Exclusive Preview of the new novel series coming soon...
Chapter 6
Fena
When I came back from my hypnotized state Shelby was looking at me with such sympathy on his face. I thought I saw a tear in the corner of his beautiful chocolate eyes. I could not help the puzzlement that showed on my face. “ I think that before we watch this recording, we should take a minute to talk about a few things. Okay?” He asked me with much concern.
“Okay.” I repeated after him.
“Heaven who is Fena? “ He asked me as though I should know.
“I don’t know Shelby.” I said to him honestly. He shook his head in amazement. “ Okay Heaven, who is Chris?”
When he said the name my heart began to pound and I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I began to shake and all I could do was stare at the floor.
“Heaven who is Chris?” he repeated.
“I don’t know.” I whispered to him.
“Do you really not know Heaven or are you pretending not to know?” He asked me.
I looked in his beautiful eyes and through tears I could not explain. “Honestly Shelby, I do not know.”
“So why the tears, the complete emotional breakdown you're experiencing?” He asked back.
“Shelby I do not know!” I yelled at him.
I was as lost as he was about the emotions I felt when I heard that name. A name I did not know or could not recall. But my heart, my heart knew. “ Why are you asking me about these people I don’t no?” I asked him with more attitude than I meant to give.
“You’ll see.” He said as he hit play on the computer.
I sat back and watched myself completely become someone else.
“Baby Sister, can you come out to play today?” Shelby asked me.
I watched as I just sat there still in the sleep state that he had put me in. He asked this over and over for about five minutes. He suddenly looked down at his notes and said, “ Chastity are you there? Chastity I would like to speak with you if you will give me some of your time, please.” He repeated this again after getting no response.
“You might as well quit calling for her dude, she’s not ready to meet you yet.” I said to him in a Californian valley girl accent.
“And you are?” Shelby asked me.
I couldn’t help but to blush as I watched him say that too me. I felt like such a looney tune.
“Fena.” I said to him while twirling my pony tail and smiling.
“That’s a pretty name.” He said to me with sincerity.
“Thanks, I think so too dude.” I retorted back.
“So Fena do you mind telling me a little bit about yourself. And the others that are with you.” He asked her.
“Well let’s see, you know my name, you know that I live inside of Heaven, you know that there are more of us. So what else is there for you to find out? “ She asked him sarcastically.
“Well I don’t know about how you came into existence. I don’t know where you fit into the puzzle. I don’t know why you are opposed to Heaven marrying Quentin.” He shot back just as sarcastically.
“Hold on dude!” she said with her hands raised.
“Don’t try to pin that crap on me. I think Quentin is totally hot and super awesome. That crazy Delilah did that crap. She’s such a spaz sometimes.” She said in an irritated tone rolling her eyes.
“So why did she do it?” He asked this white version of myself.
“Dude, like I said, I really couldn’t tell you. She like totally trips out sometimes. I mean, we all think everything is fine and then she comes along with the weirdo stuff. I think she needs to be booted out of the group, but the others think different,” she complained.
“ So where do you fit in Fena? When did you become a part of the group?” He asked her.
Fena chuckled a bit. “Silly, I’ve always been apart of the group, we all have. We just choose to come out at our delegated seasons.”
“And who delegates these seasons?” Shelby prodded.
“I thought you wanted to know about me? “ Fena said diverting the question.
“You’re right, you’re right.” Shelby said holding his hands up in protest before relaxing in his chair.
“So Fena tell me all about you.” He said it like he was introducing a contestant on the Price is Right.
“Well,” she began.
When mother and stepfather separated we moved to California to live with mother’s parents. We rode on a train and Heaven was like, so amazed at how beautiful the scenery was. She made friends with the other kids on the train and boy did she have fun. The children she met were so much different than the children she went to school with or her cousins. First of all these children were all white, they spoke their words so properly, they called their mother, mom, mommy or mother. Their parents looked at them with love and adoration and they had so many toys. It seemed like they knew everything. They appeared to be the smartest kids in the world. When they stared out the windows together they knew the name of each animal, each plant, and flower. They knew about the seasons and delighted in the vastness and beauty of the stars. The three days that she spent on that train with those beautiful children changed her. Their way of life, thinking, and living educated her and enlightened her.
She spent those days with those kids coloring, eating, and running through every level on that train. Mother spent most of her time sleeping, she didn’t notice or even care that Heaven was being a little explorer. When the children and their parents left the train Heaven felt so lonely. Mother wouldn’t talk or play with her. She needed a friend. So I decided to keep her company. Together we drew pictures and read every magazine on the train. Together we watched the stars, crops, and animals fly past us. When we exited the train grandmother and grandfather greeted us with hugs and kisses. They drove us to their beautiful home on the outskirts of Los Angeles. We shared a beautiful room with mother and enjoyed 2 years of pampering and genuine love.
Our first year of private school was like, so horrible. The kids teased her for wearing like a million ponytails, for not being as advanced academically, and for just being a little ghetto black girl. She would go home crying nearly every day. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and just took over. I wanted her to rest. She had been through so darn much dude she needed a break!” Fena said this in a protective manner.
I convinced mother to allow me to do our hair, I studied super hard every night, and my speech and mannerisms became better than most of theirs. It’s so funny; the same kids who laughed and tormented us began to envy us and became our friends. I allowed Delilah to come out a few times to perform in plays and entertain the family. She’s the entertainer not me dude. I totally know my place.
Everything in our lives were going great until mother decided she was tired of living with her parents. She was tired of their rules and constant complaints. She moved us out of our beautiful home and private school and into some of the poorest streets of Escondido, California. We stayed next to the projects. Unlike the projects in Wisconsin filled with mostly black people, these projects were filled with poor people of every race. The apartments we lived in contained a public swimming pool, but they were a far cry from the mini mansion that we were accustomed to. No longer were we bused to a secluded private school filled with pretty little teachers, drama departments, and rich spoiled friends. No, now we walked ten minutes to a bunch of trailers that some dork threw together and called a school. Our rich friends turned into poor White, Latino, and Black girls who all wanted to be TLC.
Drama class changed into a bunch of girls singing on the playground at recess, each pretending to be Left Eye, T Boz and Chilli. Of course Heaven and I were always made Chili. Our brown skin, long wavy hair, and Delilah's awesome voice kind of sealed the deal on that one. It wasn’t so bad though. We still learned a whole lot and had a lot of fun, but after school, we were so lonely. Mother would sometimes take us to the park. It was her way of meeting new people and spending some time with us. One of those particular afternoons mother met a very tall, super skinny, totally un-hot black guy. They talked for a while as Heaven and I sat under a tree reading a book. After some time mother signaled that it was time for us to leave by calling Heaven’s name and grabbing her purse. We left and headed straight home. Mother spent that afternoon cleaning and cooking. Both things she rarely did. We offered to help, but she suggested that we take a swim in the pool. The day was so lovely and we enjoyed hanging out with the other kids that lived in the apartments. Most of them were boys. They were fun nevertheless.
We quickly changed into our cutest swimsuit, the pink one with white polka dots. We told mother goodbye and ran down the apartment stairs to the sound of cheering children splashing water everywhere. When we arrived Heaven took a seat and I leaped in the pool. I spent the majority of that afternoon playing Marco Polo and water basketball with the boys. When the sun began to go down Heaven and I headed back up to the apartment. When we opened the door we were both surprised to see the ugly stranger from the park sitting on the couch with his legs propped up on the coffee table. We looked at mother fussing around in the kitchen. We changed our clothes quickly and headed back to the living room.
Mother was now seated next to the ugly stranger laughing like he was the funniest guy in the world. We inwardly rolled our eyes and headed to the kitchen. Swimming like, totally makes you extremely hungry dude. Mother asked us if we had lost our manners or something. We stopped dead in our tracks and just looked at her. Neither of us knew what she meant.
“You’ve been in this apartment for at least 10 minutes and haven’t said hello to our guest Heaven. That’s very rude.” Although she said it in a sweet tone her eyes said something totally different.
“Hello,” Heaven said to the strange man sitting on our couch.
“Well hey again beautiful,” he said back to her through yellow looking teeth.
“Mother can I eat now?” Heaven asked.
“The proper way to ask is, Mother, may I eat now,” she corrected her. Mother rolled her eyes to the ceiling. She looked at her “new friend” and chuckled. “ The more I teach her, the less she learns,” she said to him. They both looked our way and laughed. “ Yes baby, you may eat.” She said to us sweetly.
By now both Heaven and I realized that she was putting on a show for the dude relaxing on our couch. We made our plate and began to head to our room. “ Where are you going?” Mother asked us quickly. “ You know we eat dinner together at the table.” She stated firmly.
“Since when?” I asked her before quickly regretting it. Mother had a mean streak. If she felt like we were disrespecting her in any way, she would beat us swiftly without remorse.
“Since I said so,” she said through gritted teeth.
We quickly sat at the table. We ate silently as mother and her friend discussed topics that bored me to death. I mean the dude was like a total lame. He smiled way too much and he kept looking at us like we were a steak or something. We were so uncomfortable. After being dismissed we went into our room. Suddenly we heard Luther Vandross playing on the radio and the lights in the living room went out. Heaven’s heart began to race and we quickly opened the door. Mother was kissing this ugly guy, giggling while his hands were traveling up and down her slim brown body.
“Mother, may I have some water?” I asked her.
They both were startled by my presence and separated themselves from one another quickly. Mother arose from the couch and stormed over to me. She looked down and us with so much fire in her eyes. Our knees began to buckle with each glare. “ Get the water and then take you little nosey ass to sleep.” She yelled at us.
We really weren’t thirsty. I asked for that water to stop the disgusting sight I was seeing. We got our water and headed back to our room. As we lay in our bed listening to the sounds of moaning and the springs from our couch, Heaven cried so hard and a little louder than she normally cries. “Mama no, no, no!” Was all she kept repeating.
Eventually we heard the door to the apartment open and shut. We waited and after believing that the ugly stranger was gone we fell to sleep. The next morning mother shook us awake. We stared up into her glaring eyes and out of pure fear we urinated on ourselves, so gross. She snatched us out of the bed with one hand while holding a brown extension cord in the other.
“So you wanna get smart when I have company huh? You wanna run my company away by crying and shit like a little baby right?” she asked us with so much hate spurting from her eyes. “ You make me sick,” she spat at us. “ You're the reason I can't keep a man. You're the reason my whole life is fucked up,” she shouted as she dragged us into the living room by our hair. By this time we were screaming and crying, pleading and begging for her to stop. “ Shut up!” She shouted as she threw us on top of a bunch of pillows that she had placed on the floor. “ Now take off those clothes and put your face in the pillow.” She commanded us.
We did as she said with dread. We took off our clothes and put our face into the pillow as she instructed. She placed her foot in the small of our back and began to hit our bare body with the extension cord. We raised our head up to scream and each time she would push our head down while telling us to shut up. “ I’m going to teach you how to behave you little bastard!” she said to us with each blow.
When she was done she told us to hurry up and get our clothes on and go to school. We walked to school that morning feeling so lost and in so much pain. We had bruises and welts all over our body. Marks left from the fierceness of that extension cord. When we arrived at school and the teachers saw us they sent us to the principle. We were asked a lot of questions and though we told the truth, the punishment we experienced afterward was just way too much dude!
When we arrived home that afternoon mother was waiting on us. She sat on the couch looking at us like we were Lucifer or something. Remembering the beating from earlier we stayed close to the wall and tried our best to keep our distance from her wrath. She rose from the couch; we walked quickly toward the bedroom door.
“So you're telling people I’m beating you huh?” she asked Heaven through clenched teeth.
We just stood there afraid to move, afraid to breath. We shook our head no out of fear.
“So now you're lying to?” She asked with such irritation.
“They asked me what happened to my face and arms momma.” Heaven stated through her trembles.
“So you told them that I just beat you?” She asked.
“I told them what happened mama, that’s all.” Heaven said with so much fear. She reached out and slapped us with the back of her hand. “I’ll do whatever the hell I want to do to you!” she spit at us. She glared at us with so much hatred we began to shiver. “Now because you decided to play the abused little black girl, my mama and daddy are involved in this bullshit! They had the nerve to tell me that if I put my hands on you like that again they’ll take you away.” She sort of chuckled when she said this.
“You see they ain't here right? “ she laughed. “They don't give a shit. They’re just upset that they got put in this mess. They don’t want your ass!”
When she said this both of our hearts sank. The thought of our grandparents rejecting us hurt so much. We knew that the grandmother had mixed feelings about us. She showed that through the way she corrected everything we did and hardly ever praised us when we did something correct. She wasn’t very mean but she wasn’t very nice either. Our grandfather however, was an extraordinary man. We knew his love for us was as pure and strong as the earth spinning on it’s axis. He taught Delilah the piano, guitar, and encouraged her singing when everyone else told her to be quiet.
He taught me how to create art with paint, wood, and through sketches. He loved Heaven with an innocent love that encouraged her to talk, to laugh, to live. When we were with Papa we were on top of the world. One evening, as we were sitting on the patio, all of us in his lap looking up at the stars, he showed us how much we meant to him.
“Papa why don’t they like me?” Heaven asked him referring to our mother and grandmother. He looked down at us with his big warm brown eyes and smiled. “They like you, they just have a different way of showing it.” he said gently to her.
“Well sometimes I feel like you're the only person who loves me. You like to hear me sing, you teach me everything, you come to all of my concerts. When I mess up you never stop loving me. Papa you make me feel special,” she said to him.
He looked deep in our eyes. “You are special, more special than you know.” He said this with such wisdom.
“Papa please don’t die and leave me.” Heaven said to him. Tears begin to fill our eyes as we thought about him leaving us in the world alone. He lifted our chin up with his index finger and kissed our forehead. “As long as you love me and remember me here.” He said pointing to our heart. “Regardless of what happens I will always be here with you and for you. I’m your Papa and sweetheart that’s something that last forever,” he assured us.
Having our mother tell us that our beautiful Papa didn’t want us broke something within us. It made a light go off in our soul. We stared at her and wondered why we were so hard to love. Our own mother was disgusted with us.
“Hey!” Mama shouted at us while snapping her fingers.
“Don’t explore out of fucking space right now Heaven! Shit! Because of you playing victim your school is sending the damn Child Protective Services over here to investigate me!” She said this like a child who was scared to take a note from the principle home to her parents.
“Mama I’m so-” Heaven began.
“Be quiet!” Mother cut her off.
“So here is your choice, I’m leaving tonight. You can either come with me or you can stay here with your grandparents. It’s up to you!” She looked at us with a look that is like so hard to describe. It was a cross between anger, hope, and fire. We thought about what she was saying to us. We thought about Papa and grandmother. We thought about never seeing mother again. When we thought about that, Heaven made up her mind.
“I want to go with you.” She said to her desperately.
The look on mothers face when she heard Heaven say those words was one of pure agitation and frustration. She stared at us for at least two minutes and finally told us to pack our things up, because we would be leaving very early the next morning. While we were in our room packing we overheard mother talking to one of her friends who had come to see her off. Her name was Denise and she was a nice enough lady. She had a four-year-old daughter and loved to sing. Delilah loved Denise. Often we would spend the night at her apartment while mother would go out on dates.
Denise was a caramel color, very skinny, with long black hair. When we stayed at her apartment she would cook amazing dinners while we all watched movies with her four-year-old daughter. She would give us baths and comb our hair. She would talk to us and take us to church with her. The only time she didn’t pay us much attention was when the preacher from her church came over. On these day she and he would go into her bedroom and close the door. We would play with her daughter and fill ourselves us with juice and graham crackers. They would come out of the room hours later. She usually looked sad and tired and he was always in a hurry to leave. After he left she would lie on her couch, stare at the ceiling, and eventually fall asleep.
As we listened to Denise tell mother how much she would miss us, we silently wished mother would decide to stay. Our ears perked up when we heard Denise mention the stranger mother met in the park.
“So you know he’s homeless right?” She asked mama.
“What?” Mama asked her hysterically.
“Yes girl, I knew, I seen him in that park before. Girl that’s where he lives.” She told mother.
“Denise how the hell do you know that?” Mama asked her with an attitude.
“Because bitch, before I got this place me and Tisha was living in that damn park too!” Denise said with even more attitude than mama.
“Didn’t you ask him anything about himself?” She asked mama.
“Yeah of course I did! I don’t just mess with anybody!” Mother said to her.
“ Well you forgot to ask the nigga where he lived.” Denise said to her sarcastically.
By this time I had crept into the hallway where I could hear the conversation a little better.
“Yeah and that fool is on that shit. So I hope you didn’t do anything stupid,” she said to mother in a tone that sent chills down our spine. Mother just looked away and began playing with the red polish on her fingernails.
“Karen no, you didn’t!” Denise gasped.
Mother looked at her and laughed, “I know you ain't judging me, you still sleeping with the married preacher? She asked her. Denise looked at mother like she had slapped her or something.
“Listen, I was just trying to let you know what the deal was with this guy. That’s all Karen. I mean, you have a daughter to think about and I wouldn’t be a friend if I didn’t let you know.” Denise said to mother as she arose from her seat.
“Well friend.” mother sneered at her.
“Who and what I do is none of your business. My daughter will be just fine thank you. So you should probably worry about your own life and get out of mine.” Mother said to her with so much malice it made us flinch.
“Your an evil bitch Karen.” Denise said to our mother.
“I’ve given you food stamps, taken care of your daughter, borrowed you money, and then you treat me like dirt. I knew when you started hanging out with that little whore upstairs that you were changing. I just didn’t want to believe it. Now you're running away because you abused that precious child in there. You’ve been sleeping with all types of men. You’re living crazy girl and you need to be careful.” Denise warned mother.
“I didn’t ask you for anything Denise, so you can go somewhere and stop throwing shit in my face.” Mother sneered.
“And Chelsea has nothing to do with this.” She said referring to her new best friend.
“I sleep with who I want to sleep with. I’m a grown ass woman. My mother lives across town, not here!” She shouted at her.
“You're so selfish and focused on yourself that you don’t even realize your daughter is sick and needs help.” She said to mother through tears.
“Ain't shit wrong with Heaven!” Mother shouted at her.
“She talks to herself, she doesn’t remember things she does, and she blacks out. The problem is you're too consumed with yourself to notice or care!” She shouted back at our mother.
“Get the hell out of my house Denise.” Mother said to her while pointing towards the door.
“Karen, please.” Denise pleaded.
“No, Denise, get the fuck out!” Mother shouted.
Denise walked towards the door and looked our way. She smiled at us and walked out.
“Hurry up and pack your shit!” Mama shouted at us.
We quickly jumped to attention and raced to finish our packing. We left California at 3 a.m. on March 16, 1993 in a red convertible with a white girl named Chelsea and her two-year-old son Tyler. We traveled for what seemed like months. We went through so many cities it was crazy. We only stopped at nightclubs. Chelsea and mother would park the small red convertible in the back of the building. They would each spend about ten or fifteen minutes putting on stripper uniforms, wigs, and makeup. Tyler and I would wait in the car eating junk food and listening to the radio. Sometimes I would read him a story or just make up one.
Heaven usually slept the whole time during these nights. Mother and Chelsea would come back into the car smelling like all sorts of things, with wads of dollar bills popping out of their bras and purses. They would jump in the car start the engine and head to the next city. During those months in that car we learned a lot about men and women. We learned that some women would do just about anything for and to a man for money. We also learned that some men would pay a woman anything for them to do any and everything to them.
There were many nights that Heaven and I stared out of the car window watching mother and Chelsea kissing, groping, and doing other gross things with men, on the sides of those night club buildings. One night Chelsea decided to go to a hotel room with one of them. Mother was upset the entire night. I can still see her sitting in the front seat smoking cigarettes and staring at the hotel like her eyes could shoot bullets.
“That bitch better hurry the fuck up.” She kept saying every five minutes. She turned and looked at us and rolled her eyes before turning back around.
“Got me sitting in this car with these kids and shit!” She fumed.
After about 2 hours Chelsea got back in the car. Her eyes were blood red and she looked like she had been in a fight.
“What the hell happened to you?” Mother asked her in shock. She touched Chelsea's face. Each touch made her wince in pain.
“That fucker decided he wanted to do more than just screw!” she said hoarsely.
She looked in the back seat to see if Tyler, Heaven and I were still awake. Tyler was asleep and Heaven and I had our eyes shut faking it. We had been that way ever since mother began having her tantrums. Usually when she was angry she would take it out on us. We learned it was always best to dodge her by faking sleep or just being out of her presence completely. Feeling assured that we were asleep she turned back around and stared at her face in the rearview mirror. Her beautiful pink face was covered in purple bruises. She had a black eye and her bottom lip was split. She started the engine and maneuvered out of the hotel parking lot with ease. We rode in silence for about 20 minutes. Once we hit the highway Chelsea cleared her throat and turned down the radio.
“Kay you're my best friend so I can be honest with you. I can’t do this shit anymore,“ tears slipped down her face as she said this. “I mean I cannot keep Tyler in this type of situation. That idiot could have killed me tonight and he would have been without a mother,” she groaned.
“What happened up there? “ Mother asked her with more concern than I have ever heard in her voice. Chelsea looked at her quickly and then turned back to the road. She lit a cigarette and began shaking her head as she blew the smoke out the window.
“Everything was going as planned. I did a couple of things, let him get off but when I got dressed and asked for my money he started flipping out on me. He called me a dirty whore and started smacking me in the face. He then decided he wasn’t satisfied, so he ripped my skirt and tried to rape me. I don’t know where I found the strength but I somehow kneed him in the balls and when he moved to clench himself, I bashed him in the head with the lamp on the desk, took his wallet and came down here.” She told her.
Mother just stared at her for a moment. I guess she was trying to find the right words to say to her friend. After about two minutes she finally let out a sigh. “I understand. What do you want to do?” Mother asked her with sincerity.
“Well the way I figure it we each have about four thousand a piece. I can drop you anywhere you want and Tyler and I are going to go back to my moms.” Chelsea said to her.
“Well you can take us to Milwaukee.” Mother said to her in a defeated tone.
Heaven’s heart began to race. We were going back home, back to the stepfather. Back to the family that sometimes loved us and sometimes didn’t. Maybe we would see our real father again. So many thoughts swirled through our minds. The ride to Wisconsin took about two days. We watched the trees and road fly by us as the music blared on the radio. Mother and Chelsea loved Boys to Men and I think they played the cassette the whole way there. Tyler was such a cute little guy. We played I spy with him, colored pictures, and even taught him how to spell his name. His blue eyes sparkled when we told him that he spelled it correctly. He busted out in laughter when we showed him how to spell Heavens name. Heaven and I hated the fact that we had to leave this little guy. For quite some time he had become our little brother. In a lot of ways he was our closest friend. He talked to both of us. He even knew my name. We had taught him how to read certain words, how to attempt to tie his shoe, how to write his name, and how to be a cool little guy.
Those nights when mother and Chelsea where inside of those buildings doing whatever with whomever; we were the ones who rocked Tyler to sleep. We were the ones who begged Tyler to eat, to stop crying, to not be scared of the nasty parking lots and the never ending, drunken men who passed by the car; some even trying to get in but quickly retreating when I stuck my head up holding a baseball bat. Tyler had become our companion. It hurt so bad, to have to say goodbye to him.
Mother had Chelsea to drop us off at our step aunts home. Aunt Charlotte was a plump woman with a jerry curl and horrible teeth. Some of them were brown others were missing and two were gold. We arrived in the dark of night like runaways. Aunt Charlotte let us in like she was a conductor of the Underground Railroad and we were her passengers. Her daughter Morgan sat sitting at their kitchen table coloring pictures; all the time smiling and looking at both mother and I like we were from another planet.
“So how long you plan on staying?” Aunt Charlotte asked mother as she sipped coffee from a chipped mug.
“Well, I am going to go find an apartment tomorrow. So probably just until the weekend.” Mother said to her.
Chelsea arose from her seat and grabbed Tyler by the hand. “ Well I guess we better get going.” She said to mother.
“Oh, I’m going to miss your butt so much” she said as she hugged mother tightly.
“I’m going to miss you more girlie.” Mother said back through tears.
Tyler looked at Heaven and I and we ran to him. We had said our goodbyes in the car but an extra hug could not hurt. We squeezed him super tight. He held on to us for dear life. When we let go he had tears streaming down his face.
“I love you.” He whispered to us.
“Dido dude.” Was all that we could muster to say without breaking down.
“See ya’ll later kid.” Chelsea said to me while hugging us tightly.
“See ya’ll later.” We said back to her.
We never saw her or Tyler again and to this day I wonder whatever happened to them.
“Can I have a glass of water dude?” This other me asked Shelby.
“Of course!” Shelby said as he jumped from his seat like he was awakening from a trance. He handed her the water and watched as she gulped the entire bottle down. “Thanks so much. I get like so thirsty sometimes.” She said apologetically to him.
“No apologies needed.” He assured her as he settled back into his seat.
“So what happened after Chelsea left?” He asked her.
“Well” she began while twirling her hair with her finger.
Mother found an apartment on the south side of Milwaukee. We were enrolled in a Junior High school and for the first 6 months mother was a real mother and life was ok. It wasn’t until the summer of 1994 that things began to go completely down hill. That summer mother began staying away from home more and more. Slowly she would forget to buy groceries and even stopped paying the light bill for a while. She spent most of her time at the Tavern flirting with the many men who spent their time there.
Most of the men were white. On the south side of Milwaukee, in 1994, it was impossible to find a black man. The south side of Milwaukee was filled with Hispanics, Caucasians, and a sprinkle of black women and children. Most black families lived on the north side of Milwaukee. She enjoyed being with these men. They gave her all the attention she longed for and she ate it up. We sat many days in our apartment hungry, crying, praying for some food and a family. We spent most of our time watching music videos and listening to the radio. Some days when mother didn’t come home we would steal pancake mix from the local corner store. We would cook it in our apartment wishing we had syrup. When mother finally did arrive she would spend most of her time there either sleeping or visiting her friends who lived in the building.
She rarely bought us clothing and so on that hot summer we were forced to wear jogging suits, jeans, long sleeved shirts, and on rainy days sweaters. On one of those sweltering afternoons while mother was away, Heaven decided to create an outfit out of her and mothers old clothes. Our mother was a small woman and we all wore the same size. She picked out a pair of mothers white pants and one of our red long sleeved shirts. She cut the pants into shorts and sewed the bottoms the way she learned to do in home economics class. She cut the sleeves off of our red shirt and made it into a tank top. When we put the outfit on we both decided that we were extremely cute. We made plans to hang out with our friends that day. We were all going to the swimming pool and then we were hanging out at the park.
Our friends were composed of two Mexican boys Carlos and Raul, two white girls Melissa and Bridgett, and a Puerto Rican girl named Mariah. When we arrived at the pool everyone complimented us on our outfit. We played hard and enjoyed our friends that afternoon. Carlos brought a white boy named Chris with him he was the cutest boy we had ever seen in our lives. In the park he found a way to get Heaven and I alone. His green eyes sparkled and his blond hair blew in the wind as he smiled at us. His dimples were deep enough to stick a finger in.
“Your really pretty.” He said to us.
It was the first time a boy had ever told us those words. To say we were stunned would be an understatement. We blushed as we thanked him. He spent the rest of that afternoon telling us how beautiful we were. Explaining to us how he wanted to be our boyfriend and so many other things that our young ears had never heard before. Something about him made me so comfortable. Despite Heavens wishes, I told him all about us. I just felt so relaxed with this beautiful boy. He was smart and understanding, funny and oh so totally hot!”
“So what time do you have to be in?” He asked me when he noticed that the sun had gone down. Our friends had long since gone and we sat underneath a large oak tree talking, laughing, and flirting.
I hunched my shoulders. “ Whenever I want.” I said. I knew mother wouldn’t be home and if she were she wouldn’t miss us. Sometimes it felt like we were roommates and not mother and daughters.
“What about you?” I asked him.
He looked away for a moment. “ Same,” he said as he threw a rock in the air.
During our conversation that afternoon he told me that he had 8 brothers and sisters. He said he was somewhere in the middle and that most of the time he felt invisible. He said his mother was a mean woman who was very bitter and angry at his father for leaving her with so many kids.
“She takes out most of her anger on me and my brother cause we look just like the guy.” Christopher said to me as we're walking down a trail.
“So you hungry?” He asked me.
I knew that I was very hungry and also very broke so I said no. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to admit to this lovely boy that I could not afford to eat and hadn’t had a decent meal in about six days. He looked at me and shook his head.
“If you're going to be my girl, you're gonna have to learn to be honest with me.” He teased me through his dimples.
When he said those words my heart fluttered. His girl? I was only fourteen what could I possibly know about being anyone’s girl. Heaven was shaking her head in fear and complete confusion. He walked over to a nearby hot dog vendor and ordered four hot dogs, 2 bags of Doritos, and 2 Pepsi’s. He sat down next to me under the tree, handed me my share, and began to scarf it down. I watched him eat. He chewed so fast and he ate with such concentration. I ate my hot dogs and silently thanked him for the meal. I knew that it would be awhile before I had something other than bread and pancakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
When we were done he walked me home. We sat on the stairs of my apartment building for hours. We talked about everything. I didn't even bother to see if mother was home. She rarely came and it felt so wonderful to be around someone who really cared for us. After about three hours he arose and said he had to head home. He reached over and kissed us sweetly and gently on the lips and our heart melted. He promised to see us the next day and when he left I glided up the stairs to that lonely apartment.
I didn't bother to turn on the lights or the television. Heaven and I lay in our bed for the rest of that night thinking about how beautiful Christopher Barton was. How kind and smart he was. We fell asleep with his name on our lips. The next morning we awoke to the ringing of the telephone. We hurried to get it. The only person to call the apartment was mother. We hadn’t seen her in a couple of days and Heaven desperately needed to hear her voice.
“Hello?” Heaven answered meekly.
“Well it’s about time you picked up, what are you doing?” Mother asked her.
“I was sleeping.” Heaven answered.
“Well, you should probably wake up because, you have to get the hell out of my house today!” Mother snapped at her.
“Huh?” was all Heaven could say. She was shocked that mother would say something like that to her. She went over in our mind what she could have possibly done to make mother kick her out. She kept coming up with nothing.
“Huh, my ass!” mother shouted.
“You heard me! You have to go today! You're running around with boys all night, cutting up my clothes. I can’t do it. You have to get out!” She yelled. “But mama where am I supposed to go?” Heaven whined to her.
“I don’t know and I don’t care but you have to go somewhere. I’m not playing with you. If I find you in my house when I get there I am calling the police and letting them take you to Child Protective Services, I don’t have time for this shit!” She said as she hung up the phone in our face.
Heaven sat on the floor stunned. I just couldn't believe it. Who told her about me sitting on the porch with Christopher? Was I bad for letting him kiss me? I hated what I had done to Heaven. She wanted to stay away from him, but I had to get close. Now we were going to be homeless. I felt sick. We cried for about an hour then slowly packed our meager belongings in a plastic shopping bag. We took one last look at the apartment before we headed out of it. No money, no parents, no hope. We went to the park to try and sort things out. We had to be sitting there in a trance because we didn’t even notice Christopher sit next to us on the bench.
“You about to do laundry?” He asked tugging at our plastic bag.
We blushed. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I wanted to lie and tell him yes but something inside of me made me tell him the truth. He stared at us blankly after I told him our story. I looked away in embarrassment fearing and dreading his laughter.
“Come on let’s go!” He said to me as he grabbed my hand and my bag.
“Where are we going?” I asked him meekly.
He never said a word he just led us around the corner to a two-story brick house. Children were playing in the front while two white women sat on the porch in worn out rocking chairs. They stared us when Christopher approached holding our hand.
“Wait right here.” He said to us as he darted up the stairs and went through the screen door. We stood there trying hard not to look needy. We looked at the sky the grass the trees. We looked at everything but those two mean looking ladies. We watched the children play with each other. They didn’t have a care in the world. They laughed, jumped, ran, and danced in front of that house like the world was perfect. Heaven and I longed for that feeling. We craved it. We needed it.
“Hell No!” I heard a woman's voice yell. “I can barely feed all of you guys and you want to bring in another mouth?” NO! She yelled.
The two women on the porch glared at us. We hung our head in shame. We turned to walk away but stopped when we heard the door swing open.
“Come on.” Christopher said as he grabbed my hand. In his other hand he held a green duffle bag. We just stared at him. “You're my girl and I go where you go!” He said in a matter of fact way. He said it like he had been commissioned to take care of us. Suddenly the door swung open again and a tall white woman, with brown hair, wearing a short blue dress stood there staring at us.
“So you're going to leave your family to run away with this little nigger bitch?” When she said this I winced. The words were filled with so much venom and hatred.
“Well go on then!” She shouted at him.
“You're just like your damn father. He left me for his black whore and now so is you! Don’t come back, you hear me boy?” She shouted after us as we walked down the sidewalk to the bus stop. We rode the bus to West Allis got off and Christopher got us a room at a Motel 6. That night he vowed to take care of us. He promised to be what we never had in life, someone who honestly loved us. Who was willing to give up everything just to see us happy? He dedicated himself to us that night. So did we. His affection was so innocent so pure. It was irresistible. We did not see color. We only saw each other. We were his dark beauty. He was our golden prince. Heaven felt it too. Soon she too fell in love with Christopher. She was content with playing the background though. Christopher was my love. She respected that.
He created a plan for our survival. He made it a point to tell us that we had to finish school. He explained to us that he had to hustle a little to get us on our feet. He made us promise our loyalty. He said that once we began making a little money, we had to be very careful of fakers. He said people would try to do anything to get where we were. Even if that meant trying to separate us or even kill us. By this time Heaven had retreated. She knew that I loved Christopher so she allowed me to be with him and be with him I did.
I don’t know how he did it but in a matter of months Christopher had become the man. He sold drugs to local teens and some older gentlemen and covered up his income by working in a burger joint three nights a week. We had a beautiful apartment on the East side of Milwaukee by the lake and life was amazing. We lost our virginity to Christopher and it was everything we read about in the stories. That night, what we did transcended lovemaking. We were two people searching for love, acceptance, and hope. We found peace and so much more as our bodies exploded together. It wasn’t rushed or lustful. It was what we both wanted.
We both were inexperienced. I was his first just like he was mine. We did a whole lot more giggling than actual sex but it was love making nevertheless. I didn’t feel horrible afterwards. Heaven felt a little bad, but after a while she got over it. Christopher planned to marry us. We would sit and talk about our future every night. We were young but the love we felt wasn’t. It was real. He was real. Christopher got his GED when he turned 17. I received mine at 16. Life for us was beautiful. We spent two years with each other. That was the most peaceful two years of our lives. That is until his friends got jealous and dimmed him out.
I can still remember the police kicking in the door to our apartment and strapping my beautiful Christopher in handcuffs. I can still hear the gavel that the judge used to sentence my beautiful prince to 10 years in federal prison. I can still feel the traces of semen that was left on our face and in between our legs after his so called “friends” came to our apartment the night after the sentencing and ganged rapped us.
They called us bitches and whores while they pulled our hair and hit us in the face. They said, since we liked white meat so much, we should sample the buffet. They raped us for four hours straight. When one tried another jumped on. They held us down with rope and put a gun against our head each time we tried to wriggle or resist. Finally they got tired and left us for dead. I hoped that we would die. Unfortunately, I woke up the next morning feeling like crap and wondering what we would do next.
I can still feel the tears that fell from my face as Heaven called the stepfather. I still feel the emptiness I felt the day I left Heaven to face the world on her own. It was like, without Christopher I had no desire to keep going. I had loved and lost. I had been broken. This version of myself looked at Shelby with so much pain in her eyes.
“When was the last time you saw Christopher?” Shelby asked her.
“You ask way too many questions dude,” was all she said before closing her eyes and drifting away.
The tape ended and my face was filled with tears. Tears that I had not cried in so long. I remembered Christopher now. I think he may be one of the reasons I choose law as my profession. I felt the pain and sting of his absence as if it were a fresh wound.....
